STUFF

My husband celebrated his 31st birthday yesterday! Thanks to my friend, Jessica, I got to take him out for dinner at Johnny's Italian Steakhouse. We slow-played dinner, enjoying some fried zucchini fries (YUM!) for the first course, a salad and tasty bread and then we had some delicious steaks - Josh had a Char-Broiled Ribeye and I had a Chubby Sirloin. And let's not forget the dirty stuff! Oh yeah - Dirty Beefeater Gin Martinis....Hello Old Friend:)
Of course, I didn't break the rules - I never do - I only had one.
It was a really nice long dinner and we had a really good time together. Spending time with Josh is my very favorite pastime and thankfully that is the one pastime that will never change because we had a baby. And when I say we had a baby I mean that we had the most beautiful and precious little girl on earth.

We tried to go to church on Saturday night. When we got there, there were no cars in the parking lot and no lights on in the building. Apparently in the past 2 weeks they did away with Saturday night church. That totally stinks! We love Saturday night church! We went this morning instead and things went pretty well. During the music Olivia was alert and quiet - she loves listening to music. But when the music stopped and it was time for the sermon she started getting pretty loud so I had to take her out and feed her in the nursery. After that she was happy and quiet again - but still very awake and alert. Everyone oohed and ahhed over her like always. People can't get enough of babies. I am glad she is able to put a smile on so many people's faces. Hopefully she will continue to do that throughout her life. I can't wait to watch her personality develop and see how she touches the lives of others. I know she has touched mine in ways unimaginable to me until she came into the world. The love I have for her is so different than any other love I've ever experienced.

And that is why Josh woke me up in the middle of the night and my face was completely soaked with tears. I am dreading this coming Wednesday as I have to go back to work and put her precious life into strangers' hands. When I say I am dreading it I mean that every single time I talk about it or think about it and now dream about it, I cry. It's a quiet cry; one where hot tears pour out of my eyes and my heart aches like my best friend is moving across the country or something. It just hurts. Except last night it wasn't a quiet cry - I was pretty much sobbing in my sleep. I dreamt that she cried for me so long and so loud that they hated her. They called our sweet baby a devil child.
It's a weird thing how I understand that she will  survive without me near her every hour of the day, but at the same time I imagine that she will be so sad without me near her every hour of the day. And sometimes I even think that she is going to be angry with me; that she will feel I have abandoned her. I never want her to feel abandoned or unloved and I know that even if her caretakers love her they will never love her the way her daddy and I do. It's just not possible. I pray that she adapts as well as the back of my mind knows she will. I pray that they treat her well and cuddle her often and help her grow into a confident happy little girl. And I pray she never, ever forgets who her mommy is. Ever.

Over the next two days I may not ever put her down!